Like appearances, how you construct yourself is everything. If you change your attitude; or for starters just your gaze and start making eye contact, it will have tremendous effects on your relationships. The reason is that you have changed your reality and your thinking. You are in other words constructing yourself in a new way.
I believe you are in charge of your reality. You can decide what to think of. And if you don’t like your reality, you can change it. But how? By thinking differently. Because your reality is a product of your thinking in the past. And your future is a product of your thinking in the present moment.
Thinking yourself into being a stutterer
Remember the article about People expect you to stutter? When people expect you to do something you tend to do it. It’s because of the anticipation that you behave in a certain way. Another reason to act in a certain way is because of what your focus on. What do you focus on? I bet you focus on your stuttering. Am I right? I know, because that’s what I used to do.
You construct yourself as a stutterer when people expect you to stutter, because of anticipation of your focus on stuttering.
It doesn’t stop here. You stutter and now you think that people make fun of your speech. Or you think that people think less of you. And then you begin to act accordingly to this belief. You begin to speak less and less. And when you speak you stutter and avoid eye contact. When you avoid eye contact it’s like you’re not really there. You drifted off.
Now you begin to loathe talking to other people. It’s their fault! They make me stutter, is what you think. See the belief?
What do you think your actions and behavior will be like when you think like this? How is this thinking contributing to help you overcome stuttering? It’s not. What you have is a classic me vs. them scenario. And now you hate meeting other people.
You are officially a victim of your thinking.
On the other hand, if you think that every person is a coach who can teach you to be fluent, then it’s a whole other reality and mindset for meeting other people.
You and I create a reality together
– How do you know that you stutter?
– It’s because I can “hear” my blocks and I can hear the repetitions.
– Al right, that makes sense when you focus on that. What if I told you, that you don’t stutter.
– Then I would argue that you’re wrong.
– But for 5 minutes consider that you don’t stutter.
– Okay, just because you’re such a nice guy I will pretend. I know I don’t stutter because I have fluent speech.
– See. Now you know that you can decide what to focus on
– Yeah! Thanks man!
The thing is that it takes two persons to create a reality. One person sees what he thinks is real and acts accordingly. This second person will most of the time confirm the reality and then we have a self-fulfilling prophecy of the reality. But it’s actually “realities”, because every person has his own version of what’s real to him. Both of them needs to confirm the other if they want to co-exist.
If we know that our world is necessary the world we bring forth with others, every time we are in conflict with another human being with whom we want to remain in co-existence, we cannot affirm what for us is certain (an absolute truth) because that would negate the other person. If we want to coexist with the other person, we must see that his certainty – however undesirable it may seem to us – is a legitimate and valid as our own because, like our own, that certainty expresses his conversation of structural coupling in a domain of existence – however undesirable it may seem to us. – Maturana & Varela 1992
If you lost your job then what?
If you lost your job how would you describe that? What words would you use? Tragedy, frustration, loss? Or other words alike that lead to depression. Or would you use words like opportunity, flexibility – words that equal energy and freedom.
The words you use frame the way you see things. And it’s how you describe things and events that determine how you respond.
You do not see what we do not see, and what we do not see does not exist. – Maturana & Varela, 1992
If you don’t see the opportunity it does not exist. You have put a frame around yourself. The great thing is that you can make a crack in the frame and you can expand the crack into a hole that you can climb through.
Let’s me a crack in the frame.
3 ways to expand and climb through the hole
This is important. We have already discussed some of it. The first one is construction, the second is focus and the third is assertive communication
Construction of reality
Construction emphasizes language, thinking and human communication at the center of change. With your thoughts, language, and actions you can create a reality you like to live in. You can create change.
With your words, you see and create the reality you describe. If you describe it with other words based on other thoughts then you see a different reality. It’s your language and thoughts that create a truth and a reality and over time your path in life. But it could be different. It depends on your thoughts.
The funny thing is that the words you use are created to describe what you see and how you feel and those exact words make you feel a certain way. So what comes first? The feelings or the words that describe the feelings? Or in a stuttering way; did the stutter come first or the words to describe what you do? And how did the words impact you? What stories do you tell about yourself?
Focus on what’s important
Where is your focus? It’s an important question because what you focus on is what you get. Imagine a magnifying glass. When you use it the item you focus on enlarges and everything around is blurred. Whatever you focus on is what you get regardless whether it’s bad or great for you.
What you need to understand is that the topics and ideas you choose to focus on are fateful in the sense that they not only determine the path for your actions, they actually create the path. I guess you could say that you have created a stuttering-path. As I had. It was what I put my mind to.
It’s the same with poetry. You can interpret a poem in whatever way you like. And the interpretation will be different if you focus on different things. This means that you are “in process”. That the way you see things and what you put your attention to today doesn’t have to be the same thing tomorrow. You are allowed to put your attention to other things. And then change will appear.
Enhance the quality of your life and your relationships by being assertive. This way you construct yourself as a person who cares about himself and the other. And when you focus on the other, you don’t use your brain power to focus on your stuttering. That is great because a change of focus is a change of yourself. You’re showing
You’re showing assertiveness when you express your thoughts in a respectful manner.
- You say what you want to say
- You take responsibility for your actions
- You are a great listener
- You are aware of your body language
In general, you are in sync with your body and what you say. And you are forthright about your wants and your needs. But you also consider the needs of others. And you accept that you don’t always get what you want. That is okay. It isn’t something you get aggressive- or passive over.