Disclaimer: Some people have been very upset about this article on the real self. I believe it’s because of misunderstandings and different perspectives on life and stuttering in general.
What is the point with the article?
The point is that you analyze how stuttering is affecting your every day life. If you should take just one thing from this article it should be to finish the following sentence:
“If I didn’t have (symptom), then (unwanted consequences would happen) to me.”
We’ll dive into that later.
Now let’s begin at your childhood. That’s when your real self was developed and destroyed.
Your childhood and the development of your real self
Without your stuttering, you gradually become your real self. The real self is the self, that you have suppressed because you felt emotional abandonment in your childhood.
The real self is openness towards the reality. It means when you receive input from the inside and outside; that is thoughts and intuition, you are open about it. You will no longer suppress that information. It also means that you no longer have to hide or deny the reality.
Real self defined: […] a person with a healthy real self can manage not only the routine ups and downs of daily life but also serious crisis as they develop. Social, personal, financial, and professional crisis, while always upsetting to one’s normal pattern of life, are not paralyzing or totally defeating to a person with a healthy self. In fact, people guided by a healthy self often grow and mature through crisis, coming out of them richer, more understanding, and compassionate human beings. – The real self, Masterson
With the real self you’ll be independent.
There is a bit of background to that statement.
Your real self should have been developed in your childhood. What happened was that your parents and/or siblings didn’t make notice of your feelings, impulses, wishes and will. All was suppressed in favor of their feelings, impulses, wishes, and their will.
Without your stuttering, you’ll be able to address your feelings, impulses, wishes, and your will.
Our reality is distorted because of the emotional ballast by which stuttering is weighing us down. This distortion works as a defense mechanism. The goal is to avoid psychological pain related to stuttering. Among the defenses are:
These mechanisms form a barrier against our emotional experiences related to stuttering; all our feelings, impulses, wishes, and will.
Without stuttering you would do whatever you’d like. But exactly because you stutter, you don’t have to. You are free to do nothing.
But here’s the best. You can release the real self.
The real self is a matter of skills
The following skills are developed when the real self is allowed to step up front.
- The first is the ability to feel, experience and express a wide spectrum of emotions including positive and negative emotions. Positive and negative emotions are a vital part of life. It is crucial to learn how to express your emotions in a constructive way. The real self does not try to hide emotions. The real self accepts all emotions and is not afraid to express them. An important ability of the real self is to regulate negative emotions. Thus you don’t have to ruminate over your negative emotions.
This is the most important skill because the feelings function as a compass as to what is important in life.
The real self helps us accept reality and realize our goals. Among the other skills are:
- A fundamental feeling of eligibility and to be worthy of reaching certain goals. Another way of saying this is that the real self is positive towards your self and also towards other people. Also that when asking for help, you’ll likely get help.
- The ability to activate and assert your self. You have to know what you stand for in order to assert your self. This also implies that we separate our own perspective from the perspective of others and firmly believe in our perspective. This ability is also about translating goals into reality and defend your goals and perspective.
- The fourth skill is to realize what is good and positive about our self. If we want to do personal development we must be able to realize that what we do brings us forward; we shouldn’t be hindered by what is not moving us ahead.
The real self has a continuity about it. It has a core that is the same no matter what happens. With a real self, you will realize that you are a person that lives your life, and your life is characterized by ups and downs, but you have the resilience to grow from your experiences.
You might be wondering, how do I release the real self?
This is how you release the real self step by step
This is a 3-step process. It moves from discovering, integration, to transformation.
Step 1 – discovery
In this step, you discover the hidden knowledge that makes stuttering a truth. There are two ways to do this step.
- Finish the following sentence: “If I didn’t have (symptom), then (unwanted consequences would happen) to me.
Example: If I didn’t stutter, then I actually would have to speak my mind at meetings and have conversations with strangers, but because I stutter, I can say to myself, that I don’t have to do it.
- Another way is to visualize on an emotional level what it would be like to live without stuttering. How would you feel, what would happen, what would people say, what would you think about your self?
This phase is about wrapping unconscious behavior and feelings in words.
Step 2 – integration
The next step is to integrate your learning from step 1.
The knowledge you gain from step 1 is so fragile that you have to be quick about writing it down or somehow record it. Integrating your knowledge from the last step means that you write your knowledge own on your phone or on a piece of paper. Now you read what you learned every day until you understand what stuttering does to you.
This way you’ll learn that stuttering (as in the example above in step 1) is a solution to not wanting to speak your mind at meetings. You realize that you actively provoke stuttering in order not to speak your mind at meetings.
Step 3 – transformation
In this step, you’ll use juxtaposing experiences. You’ll oppose the implicit knowledge (from step 1) with contradicting real-world experiences but without valuing one higher than the other. They are equal. Such real-world experiences are juxtaposing experiences because they contradict what you unconsciously know, but such experiences are known to dissolve the implicit knowledge from step 1.
It so happens that the brain is capable of handling these two types of information. What happens is that when these two types of knowledge and experiences are looked at, at the same time, unlearning occurs. The less advanced (the implicit knowledge) dissolve and give space to the real world experience.
Thus your real self is released.
Releasing the real self is a process
The bottom line is that this is a process. The process is that in step 1 you re-activate the implicit knowledge of your stuttering, and in step 3 this knowledge is opposed to the juxtaposing knowledge; this knowledge overwrites the everything.